Breaking News: Dateline NEW YORK — “Monster Beverage is hitting back at a lawsuit alleging its energy drinks were responsible for the death of a 14-year-old Maryland girl, saying that no blood test was performed to confirm that the girl died of “caffeine toxicity.” The disclosure comes amid intensifying scrutiny of energy drinks and their caffeine levels. A lawsuit filed last year by the family of Anais Fournier said the girl went into cardiac arrest after drinking two, 24-ounce cans of Monster drinks in a 24-hour period.
At least five deaths since July, 2012, were attributed to Monster consumption by teens.
FROM THE CHURCH OF INEFFABLE STUPIDITY:
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In unrelated news, ten years ago, the FDA announced that carbonated beverages containing caffeine could not contain more than 65 mgs per can, especially when sold in carbonated form. The only exception were beverages intended solely to provide massive caffeine doses, such as Vivrin. Such drinks were designed for over-the-road CDL drivers who conveniently forgot about US-DOT’s limitation on hours of service. Vivrin and similar drinks contain no more than 200 mgs per daily dose.
Since the GOP managed to fuck over ejukashun programs across the country, starting with Leave No Childs Behind, and ending with efforts to teach Creationism and Intelligent Design as real, honest, god-given Science, (with a capital C), it is no surprise that illiteracy has become a way of life for growing numbers of Tea Bagger members and their offspring.
Following closely behind is Innumeracy. For those unaware of this mental deficiency and unable to find a dictionary on their computer, someone suffering from Innumeracy is defined as “A person who is unfamiliar with mathematical concepts and methods.”
By “mathematical concepts and methods” I mean basic arithmetic, subtraction, and multiplication of digits no greater in length than two. Division, fractions, and percentages create a Brave New World which such sufferers recognize as alien and strange, something to be ignored in the hopes that it goes away. For example, to a TeaBuggered sufferer of Innumeracy, if you threatened them with a course in advanced arithmetic, and said, “Here’s Lesson One,” most of them would suspect that you were talking about “Zero.”
Applying basic math to Monster, two of their drinks would have approximately EIGHT FUCKING TIMES the amount of caffeine that the FDA considered the maximum more than a decade ago.
I am sure that none of the sponsors or manufacturers ever attended a Rave, or any teen-based get together. It would be impossible to predict that in the heat of the dance, or a great hormone-raging party, that your functionally illiterate and innumerate teen would recognize that drinking two Monsters could be fatal. That doing so put 8 times the recommended maximum dose of a powerful drug into your bloodstream. That Caffeine can kill in relatively high doses. That kids do stupid things on a dare. That kids, and even adults, are incapable of recognizing dangers that might be hidden on a drink label or warning. That by aiming their advertising at teen kids, they are creating a potentially deadly mix of party, ‘coolness,’ drink, and death.
Luckily, Monster, Inc talked to Big Tobacco, Asbestos manufacturers, and BP, and learned from them which medical group they used to procure “experts” necessary for them to defend their product from any rational attacks. Watch those same prostitutes offer a defense which mentions free enterprise, “not our fault!”, “they could easily swallow a bottle of aspirin”, and the scientific proof is sorely missing, as topics.
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In more unrelated news, the family of 14 year old, Anais Fournier, is the family that filed suit against Monster Beverage, Inc. Their daughter attended a party, drank two Monster drinks, and died of cardiac arrest. Monster’s defense? It is impossible to die of Caffeine Toxicity. It’s not our fault. Our product is innocent, safe, and pop-(profitable)-ular.
On edit, one reader emailed me and asked about the Famous “Fox Effect” on today’s yute. While I certainly agree that anyone watching Fox News eventually suffers from cognitive difficulties, because the average viewer of Fox News is in excess of 73.2 years of age, I doubted that Fox and fiends has any impact on drinkers of Monster.
In some future history book, or more likely, an iHistory App, a century from now, people will look back at our era and point to us, right here and now, as the day. To be more precise, “THE DAY!” Historians, social scientists, psychologists and other mental health experts of all stripes will look at all of the events transpiring, exchange looks, nod wisely and agree, “This is When The Onion Factor Began.”
With all apologies to the Onion, when I skimmed over my daily papers (yes, I still like the rubbed ink smears, especially with cross words, and even crosser numbers like Sudoku), then switched to my early morning news feeds, I realized something that jarred me rather fiercely.
I could no longer tell the difference between the Onion and actual media outlets.
Here’s are just a few examples:
1) Freedumb works on porn?
You all know by now who Freedom Works is – a ultra-reich wing outlet that the Koch Brothers and others have used to astroturf the TeaBuggerers. Their performance in the last election cycle ranged between pathetic and laughable, and still their presence is like a rotting elephant’s corpse in the corner. Their very threat of interference leaves formerly solid re-election bets like Mitch McConnell shivering in their britches. Because McConnell doesn’t scream “NO!” loudly enough in Pres. Obama’s face.
The TeaBuggered billionaire outlet, proving again that money and wisdom rarely mix, apparently has a bit of a PR problem.
First, Dick Armey resigned, made threats, then walked away with $6 million in hush money from them. Next, we learn that Matt Kibbe, Freedom Works’ president, used FW resources, staff and money to “write” a book while he was supposedly working for FW. He then spent six figures of FW money to raise the book’s profile artificially (Amazon, etc) and kept all of the book’s revenues for himself.
In most states, that’s considered criminal fraud.
Amazingly, it gets better. They invested untold sums of money in video-taping a porn flick. Yes, the organization that proudly calls itself a natural ally of American Family Association and christian conservatives around the country, FW actually filmed a porn flick involving a female in a panda suit servicing a Faux Hilary Clinton with oral sex.
As I said, we have achieved the Onion Factor.
No matter how badly they act, no matter how gruesome their crimes, the LAPD manage to outdo themselves.
I abhor violence, and the idea of a crazy former cop running around kidnapping and shooting people is extremely disturbing. BUT – they found this guy’s wallet and ID at another crime scene. They corner this rat, and burn down the cabin – with him inside. And then, they claim that his drivers license helped ID him? This guy loses his wallet and ID, there’s a state wide police hunt going on, and he worries about being stopped while driving without his license? AND the license survived the fire? AND they just happened to bring dental records before the fire started “to help with ID?”
Everyone, EVERY SINGLE ONE of us is entitled to Due Process of law. The instant that we make snap decisions and allow our police kill people they deem dangerous, without proper court proceedings, without proper safeguards, without the rule of law, our society has begun in a death spiral that will be impossible to escape. It may be hard, it may be emotional, it may take time, and cost money, but damn it, TRY THE GUY for his crimes. If a jury finds him guilty, then carry out the sentence. But, do not have police sell us their revenge package and call it justice. Because every single one of us become at risk with that kind of justice.
3) Fox News
Amid a few, lonely signs of rational thinking, (firing Palin, for example) Faux has outdone itself. It seems that they forgot who won the November election, and continue to treat our political process – no, I can’t find a valid comparison. But, as one telling example, Fox News’ Martha MacCallum and Brian Kilmeade learned of the 102 year old Desiline Victor’s voting problems. She was forced to wait in line for hours, as GOP plans to artificially suppress minority voters worked almost as planned.
The Fox spin readers’ response? On air? THEY LAUGHED AT HER. “What’s the big deal?”
4) Evangelical Groups seeking to kill LGBT in Ugana funded by the State
Even in a more socially fair and sophisticated country like Canada, the crazies still have too much control. Christian Crossroads receives money from Ontario to operate in Uganda – where they are working towards making homosexuality a crime punishable by death. Shame on you, Ontario, shame!
5) North Carolina
Despite having the highest unemployment rate in the country, this collection of jerks decided to cut some taxes for a few favored businesses, while also cutting unemployment benefits for the unemployed by 35%.
Yeah, let CEOs take home more money, while cutting the lives short for hundreds of thousands of people.
Who said The Onion Factor was sane?
6) GOP Behavior
Just a few years ago, John Kerry(D) was the target of tens of millions of attack ads, and personal attacks so disgusting and stomach turning, that even some GOPers were repulsed. Last week, the vast majority of the Senate voted to approve him as secretary of state.
Yesterday, the same GOP cretins decided to filibuster the president’s nominee for Secretary of War, Charles Hagel, a conservative Republican. Why? Hagel and AIPAC don’t care much for each other, and Hagel tends to speak his mind. (The second is by far, the greater sin).
The excuse the idiot party uses is Libya (a place that few of the senators could find on a map or a globe. Definitely not a globe, for several of them, since their world is flat and 6000 years old)and the unfortunate attack on a CIA- State Department outpost. After cutting funds to secure such places, the GOP now complains that those bases were too insecure.
Funny how so few of them demanded “answers” after 9/11, eh? Instead, they promoted the bimbo who held the chair for their president’s National Security Council. They also uniformly voted to invade the wrong country, and pushed for covering up torture and huge frauds committed by GOP contractors in Iraq.
There is so much more out there. Just pick up a national paper (too many of the regional ones have been raped by take over experts, and no longer do “news” and take a gander.
After the RNC spent hours, even days, trying to find out what went wrong, and trying to find a path to electoral victories in the future, the RNC came to a stunning conclusion:
“Our message is correct. We simply didn’t present it well.”
( I feel like throwing in a random “Fundamentally” or “Fundamental” in there. As in, “Our fundamentalist message is correct.”)
We also learned today that the GOP decided to concentrate on “abortion” as their 2013 key issue. Both Rand Paul and John Boehner agreed to make banning all abortions their key program. Let’s take them at their word. After all, when they promised to gum up all the works in Congress after 2010, they did precisely what they promised. Ergo, I see no reason to doubt their words or their intent. Given the spanking they received on taxes, on gay marriage, on the role of government, they may have realized that the RNC’s vaunted Idea Cupboard was pretty much bare, except for abortion.
Before today’s announcement about the RNC’s direction for 2013, here is what Rence Preibus (1/13/2013) had to say about the President:
“Today’s press conference reveals just how little President Obama cares about deficit reduction. There is nothing ‘responsible’ about continuing to put trillions of dollars on the nation’s credit card,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “Instead of showing leadership, the president seems to believe he has no role in leading the country toward fiscal responsibility. Instead, he prefers to cast blame elsewhere. But he is the one who promised to cut the deficit in half in his first term and then presided over the first four $1 trillion deficits in American history, racking up more debt in one term than any president before him. “Republicans take our spending crisis seriously because it’s a drag on our economy and a threat to our children’s future. President Obama should tackle these issues head on, like a president, instead of running from the problem.” If it weren’t so funny, I’d be crying. In all honesty, having two strong, capable, and rational political parties is healthy for a nation. When both sides honestly try to do what is right for the nation, and compromise in favor of doing good, the results are usually good. Not perfect, not happy, not complete, but generally good. If one side or the other has too much power, they make mistakes or misuse their power.
Unfortunately, what I describe above does not exist in America. We don’t have two strong or capable parties. Most importantly, we do not have two rational national parties. Both parties are (ahem) fundamentally flawed.
Today’s GOP is simply crazy. If the best and the brightest of them, (those who make up the RNC) honestly believe that their positions are right on all the important issues, ie, taxes, investing in infrastructure, wall street regulations, abortion, then the only conclusion left is that they are stark raving insane. No amount of anti-psychotics or psychotropic medications will do any good. Sad to say, I suspect that those within the RNC have become so brain-washed on their pet issues, and immune to rational arguments that oppose their talking points, that they honestly think that theirs is the only working plan. Even worse, there are enough TeaBuggerers holding office to continue to hold the GOP hostage. And to top it off, their TeaBuggered supporters will punish any effort at compromise, even if it is best for the nation.
But the Democrats have their problems, too. Harry Reid demonstrated exactly how weak-kneed, spineless, and pathetic our side can be, especially in the face of certain victory on filibuster changes. At least our problem can be corrected in future elections. I don’t suspect that the degree of mental incapacity on display within the GOP is as easily fixed. Especially when a few billionaires are so willing to invest hundreds of millions in those ideas.
Here is a simple, effective, and workable plan that we should follow. In fact, we should contact all GOPers and Dems and have them sign on to this “agreement.”
If the GOP is going to support the concept of “Life” and work on banning all abortions, the the Democrats need to demand that any legislation proposed by the GOP must include a complete ban on assault weapons, large capacity magazines, and a strong mental capacity requirement for any and all gun sales. Additionally, if they really want to save lives, ban all gun shows.
What’s that I hear? Do I hear squealing of angry GOPers, upset that we would dare link two issues both intent on saving lives? Can you imagine the sputtering response of Paul Ryan and Ron Paul, when faced with the argument that gun control and abortion bans both save lives?
Honestly, I don’t expect that the GOP can afford to combine both issues, not without the TeaBuggerers going postal, and perhaps exploding in violence. The most likely result would be that GOPers would accuse the Democrats of sabotage, by linking the two issues. It would not be pretty, but heck, it would be pretty entertaining. Or as the Chinese say, “exciting times.”
So be it.
1993 – Wendy Northcutt has the brilliant idea of putting together a collection of the ineffably stupid. She called it the Darwin Awards, and later published print versions of her collections.
2012 – The NRA calls for arming teachers in schools.
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COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!
From the Church of Ineffable Stupidity:
In my misbegotten yute, I came up with multiple scary plans, usually involving ironic, sarcastic, and pre-curmudgeonly humors and femurs, even devious plans. Had I taken any one of the more serious ideas to its logical conclusion, instead of only finishing the half baked and par-boiled plans, death and destruction would certainly have been involved. Quite possibly leading to the end of civilization as we know it.
For example, when I sabotaged my home in advance of my parents coming home from work, each and every one of the tricks backfired, and got me. I ended up wet, filthy, wetter, filthier, and exhausted. I was, as it were, the April Fool. Think of it as crushing a dozen habanero peppers with your fingers, then rubbing your eyes. You cry so much that you could not help laughing. At yourself. When I was away at boy scout camp, and I got others to agree to . . . . Never mind. Those memories are too painful.
Needless to say, part of one’s growing experience is falling flat on one’s face, learning the right lesson, and picking one’s self up by the bootstraps. Or as Sir Douglas Adams wrote,
“A learning experience is one of those things that says, ‘You know that thing you just did? Don’t do that.”
As I eventually survived my error prone yute-dumb and became a fool-fledged adult-aged curmudgeon, I learned that my actions often caused reactions or other events to occur. I even learned that making a silly or stupid action would result in a silly, stupid, embarrassing, even harmful result. Some people call that the act of maturing.
The good thing is, not everybody does it. Where would we be without the Sarah Palins, the Eric Cantors, the Dick Armeys of the world, and where would our comics and comedians find new raw material?
It is in this vein that we should examine the latest calls to arms, specifically, the one put forth by one Wayne LaPierre.
It is bad enough that TeaBuggers have infested Washington. They are doing their immature damnedest to take this country out of an economic rut, and instead, put it out of its misery, permanently. TeaBuggerers pose a clear and present danger to democracy. Hard to believe as it is, there is one group even more stupid, more dangerous, and more immature than TeaBuggerers: The NRA and its strongest supporters.
Given my dirty tricks experiences, I have found it easiest, safest, and smartest to review my plans from a “worst case scenario.” If I dig this mantrap in a forest, and fill the bottom of the pit with sharpened stakes, what on earth could go wrong? If I take this burning cloth, and stuff it into my neighbor’s car’s gas tank, what might happen? If I light this firecracker and grasp it tightly, what would be the result?
Or, more specifically, If I arm every teacher in grade and high school, and force them to conceal carry, what on earth could go wrong with that idea? Seriously, what?
Let me count the ways:
1. A teacher could lose his, her, its temper, especially with a classroom filled with unruly yutes, intent on make the teach miserable.
2. A teacher could accidentally drop a loaded weapon in a class filled with 3d graders.
3. A teacher could finally learn that his, her, its, spouse was having an affair with Mr. Jones in History/ Social Studies. And lose his, her, its temper.
4. A teacher could have his, her, its, gun stolen by an unruly yute, one with the same level of immaturity that caused my parents so much grief in years past.
5. Or, the likeliest scenario – the gun goes off as intended, but the rank amateur pulling, not squeezing the trigger, is unable to aim it properly. And as all well designed machines, it goes off as intended, just not where expected.
I’ve had some experience in shooting. In high school NJROTC, I was sent to Quantico, where I learned to shoot M-16s, handguns, even an automatic weapon. Despite intensive training, a very experienced NCO intent on making my life hell, and repeated efforts, my handgun skills were laughable. Since then, I have taken several civilian and police courses on shooting safety and practice. Not only were they far less intense than the Navy version, they taught far less. With a rifle, I can hit someplace on a target. With a pistol, at 20 yards, pissing at it upwind might be more accurate. Under severe stress and fear? Forget it.
I know this is an indirect, long-running, way of getting to the point, but if the points are unclear, let me make them plain.
A. Having a loaded gun in a room filled with yutes is a very silly idea.
B. Arming teachers, who spent years learning about their subject matter, and then, years about how to properly teach that subject matter, who have as much in common with a trained marksman as a melted snowflake has with a Cray supercomputer, is an ineffably stupid idea.
C. Having ill-trained teachers mix it up with an unruly class filled with yutes, WHILE ARMED, is an even more ineffably stupid idea.
D. Anyone seriously promoting the idea of arming school teachers is so immature, so irrational, and quite possibly demented or mentally ill, that nothing they say should ever be taken seriously. Not without a written release, sworn and attested to under oath, by a panel of examining psychiatrists and psychologists who will personally guarantee that the current treatment and proper administration of anti-psychotic medications has cured that particular individual of all of his, her, its ills.
I just learned that 7 – count em, SEVEN states are seriously considering conceal carry in schools. Who ever thought that gerrymandering based on Ineffable Stupidity would ever become so widespread?
This talentless, arrogant, smug moron is ruining my mornings.
Schadenfreude: noun. Deriving pleasure from another’s mishap or misfortune.
The damned prototype spy drone in Texas actually attacked their own SWAT team’s armored vehicle. During a photo op!
What the hell are they doing a photo op for, anyway, not to mention buying their own domestic spy drone? Oh, wait. It is Texas.
drones – Salon.com
1 day ago … Police drone crashes into police SWAT team. A Texas sheriff’s office confirms safety concerns about the spread of domestic drones …
The Montgomery County, Texas Sheriff’s Office had planned a big photo opportunity with their newly acquired surveillance drone. It all went horrible wrong wehn, according to the Examiner, “[The] prototype drone was flying about 18-feet off the ground when it lost contact with the controller’s console on the ground. It’s designed to go into an auto shutdown mode…but when it was coming down the drone crashed into the SWAT team’s armored vehicle.” (The SWAT team had suited up, armored vehicle on hand, for the purpose of the photo).
In a time where every major street corner is permanently under police surveillance, where the NSA keeps all of your texts, emails, and web searches, where unreasonable searches and seizures are the norm, not a rare exception, this Salon.com story has me fucking rolling on the floor.I can’t wait for chapter two, where a NYPD undercover squad, trying to infiltrate a mosque in Brooklyn, accidentally arrests a secret FBI squad doing the same thing. Or chapter three, where an illegal domestic CIA team ends up in a shoot out with a secret ATF team trying to take control of domestic pot sales in Washington state.
Schadenfreude – it is not just for happy hour anymore.
Back in my yute, when I was mostly harmless, searching for a restaurant at the end of the universe, and figuring out how not to panic, I really didn’t have a clue about the real world. Some call it high school. I called it a waste of time, for the most part. When a couple of my “friends” began making truly offensive jokes (hitler not having enough time, blacks being not quite human, and irish doing something I could not even understand to potatoes), I did not find the jokes funny. But, admittedly, I was also too immature to realize how insensitive, how rude and insulting such “humor” was. Looking back at those days, I still cringe. At myself.
Most of those folks, if Facebook is telling the truth, unsurprisingly, have been stricken with chronic TeaBuggerism. Except to adapt the President to their jokes, or vice versa, from the little contact I have, I don’t believe that their level of maturity, their empathy, or their understanding of society has changed since freshman year in HS. Pro gun, pro bible, pro TeaBuggery, anti Obama, anti Regulations, anti Gun Control, and anti rational thinking.
Which brings me to the Reverend Huckabee. Evangelical sick man Bryan Fischer. Pat Dollard. and others.
From the Church of Ineffable Stupidity:
At least Sarah Palin learned her Retreat vs. Reload lesson. Given how much abuse I have directed at her over the past 4-5 years, if she does something right, not only is it a major surprise, but I feel almost compelled to reward good behavior. Her words could have come from any rational, empathic, thinking individual:
“My heart goes out to the families of the victims of this terrible tragedy in Connecticut today. Words can’t express the horror everyone feels in seeing such evil manifested against innocent children. Nothing could be worse than the murder of innocent children. Let’s all pray for the victims, their families, and the whole nation.”
Thank you, Mrs. Palin. Those words could (and have been) expressed by many living in the non-NRA real world.
Even Michele Bachmann acted with what appears to be dignity and empathy:
“My thoughts and prayers are with the children, teachers and families in Connecticut as they mourn this heartbreaking tragedy.”
As for the majority of the GOP, TeaBaggers, or the NRA, it ain’t purty. In fact, it is downright ugly.
David Frum, a former speech writer for W, tweeted, sarcastically as I have learned
“Shooting at CT elementary school. Obviously, we need to lower the age limit for concealed carry so toddlers can defend themselves.”
Unfortunately, some gun nuts like Frum’s idea, and are taking it seriously, rather than understanding it to be satire. Thanks to those who educated me on Frum here.
Michele Malkin attacked the “liberals” for abusing the situation, and being disgusting in their efforts to politicize this event.
Mike Hucksterbee took the cake, at least temporarily, by claiming that God caused this to happen because, no, let’s use his own words on Fox. It is only fair:
”We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage? Because we’ve made it a place where we don’t want to talk about eternity, life, what responsibility means, accountability.”
Right, Mike. It’s our fault because we took god out of schools. Say, Mike, most of Europe is pretty agnostic these days. How many kids have been killed in their schools, because they took Her (its?) image out of schools?
But even Hucksterbee could not maintain his crown of frown. It took only moments before Bryan Fischer, quite possibly one of the sickest bastards in America, could beat out the Huckster:
(WARNING! IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, OR CARE AT ALL ABOUT HUMANITY, READ THE FOLLOWING QUOTE WITH CAUTION. A BUCKET OR QUICK ACCESS TO YOUR TOILET TO CATCH YOUR VOMIT IS RECOMMENDED)
“You know the question’s gonna come up, where was God? I thought God cared about the little children, God protected the little children. Where was God when all this went down? And here’s the bottom line: God is not gonna go where he’s not wanted. Now we have spent, since 1962, this, we’re 50 years into this now, we have spent 50 years telling God to get lost. Telling God, we do not want you in our schools, we don’t want to pray to you in our schools, we don’t want to pray to you before football games, we don’t want to pray to you at graduation, we don’t want anyone talking about you in a graduation speech.”
“We’ve kicked God out of our public school system. And I think God would say to us, ‘Hey I’ll be glad to protect your children, but you’ve gotta invite me back into your world first. I’m not gonna go where I’m not wanted. I am a gentleman.’”
Football games? FOOTBALL GAMES? Your god caused a sick young adult to kill 20 children in cold blood BECAUSE WE DON’T PRAY BEFORE FOOTBALL GAMES?
For those who don’t know Fischer, the term wackjob does him no justice. As late as January, 2012, he claimed that HIV does not cause AIDS, (which he calls a hoax used to justify wasting federal funds) but rather recreational drug use does. Two of his more famous quotes was to claim that the president “despises the constitution, … nurtures a hatred for the white man, and aims to destroy capitalism,” as well as the truly disgusting:
“God is obviously looking for is more Phinehases in our day”
Phineas is the orthodox saint who became famous for assassinating anyone who broke god’s moral laws ( ie, Israelites having sex with Midianites), and is credited fixing Israel’s moral code by banishing the worship of false idols. Killing in god’s name is a blessing, according to Phineas. Adulterers, agnostics, gays, mormons, humanists (especially humanists) are precisely the kind of targets that Fischer would like to be Phineated.
I don’t think it can be put any simpler than, Bryan Fischer is one sick fuck.
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On second thought, perhaps those who took Frum seriously are on to something. Perhaps, arming teachers would instill more authority in the classroom, AND allow teachers to shoot first, ask questions second, thereby preventing future Newtowns. Perhaps arming young students would allow them to defend themselves. Perhaps we should start training them in the womb.
As I look back to my HS days, and think of how immature, how sick, and how temperamental my “friends” – the future TeaBuggerers were, thinking of them with concealed weapons, armed, stupid, and willful, yeah, adding more guns to the mix would really be something. Something ineffably stupid.
THREE more groups deserve our scorn:
What fucker of a fucking production editor decided to put little boys and girls on live TV? Honestly, have you fucking fucked up fuck-headed fuckers fucked your brains so fucking much that you think it was alright to televise a little kid after such a horror? SERIOUSLY? I can’t contain my anger enough other than to say, FUCK YOU.
The autolobotimized morans from the Michigan legislature voted to allow students to conceal weapons and take them to school. Not just school, but, ” to carry concealed weapons in places such as schools, churches, day-care centers, sports arenas and stadiums, hospitals, bars and taverns, and college campuses.”
Oh, goody. I can see it now. The Bears travel to Lions territory, and a Chicago fan, rapidly self-medicating with Jaeger, stands up, “Hey, Lions! You Suck!”
End of taunt.
All this law needs is Snyder’s signature. And you thought GOPers couldn’t get any sicker or any more ineffably stupid.
Finally, the best response has come from the NRA, quite possibly, the people most responsible for unbridled gun show sales, horrible laws on the books re gun ownership and sales, and keeping rational limitations on gun ownership out of the law. Here’s what they said:
Silence says it all, no?
Larry Pratt, Gun Owners of America. No comments are necessary:
“Gun control supporters have the blood of little children on their hands. Federal and state laws combined to insure that no teacher, no administrator, no adult had a gun at the Newtown school where the children were murdered. This tragedy underscores the urgency of getting rid of gun bans in school zones. The only thing accomplished by gun free zones is to insure that mass murderers can slay more before they are finally confronted by someone with a gun.”
1984 – Ronald Reagan wins re-election by a landslide, creating the era later known as “Mourning In America.”
1994 - Newt Gingrich strong arms himself into the national scene and issues his infamous “Contract On America.”
2005 – A chastened Arlen Specter apologizes to the entire GOP and White House for daring to state that he would use his independent judgment in the next Supreme Court nomination vote. The GOP never forgave him, and Specter then moved across the aisle.
COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!
Before you go hog wild, this is not your usual conspiracy theory. According to Wikipedia,
A conspiracy theory explains an event as being the result of an alleged plot by a covert group or organization or, more broadly, the idea that important political, social or economic events are the products of secret plots that are largely unknown to the general public.
This particular theory is not so much a theory, but fact. The actors were not acting in secret plots, but announcing their plans in public.
FROM THE CHURCH OF INEFFABLE STUPIDITY:
Here are some names for you to chew on: Bob Packwood, Mark Hatfield, Lowell Weicker, John Anderson, Charles Mathias, Susan Collins, and John Heinz.
You might even want to add George H. W. Bush, Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan to this list, because given how many times Reagan raised taxes, compromised with Democrats, and refused to outlaw abortion (although his team clearly added onerous regs and roadblocks), Reagan would be banned from today’s GOP. Nixon? for all his crimes and faults, he signed the EPA into law, he successfully directed SALT negotiations with the USSR, he fixed Social Security and VA funding, and he began discussions with our other arch-enemy, China. Imagine that. TALKING to your enemies. Negotiating with them. Coming up with peaceful solutions. Today, that would be considered treason, especially if some black Kenyan muslim was the one seeking negotiations.
Long before TeaBuggery became acceptable in American society, the attack on moderate GOPers was well underway. An unholy tri-part alliance was made with conservative religious leaders in the 1970s. It was then that rancid and disgusting groups like Moral Majority began to take form. Another leg of this ultra-conservative tripod was a collection of superrich and very, very conservative billionaires and millionaires, who thought that John Birch was too liberal, and the KKK was a nice way to air one’s sheets out. The last leg? rabidly conservative pols who hate compromise. And so, christian conservatives, political conservatives, and conservative old rich guys joined forces and started their attack on our political system.
Actually, in retrospect, they were brilliant about it – and the Democrats were asleep at the wheel. We had had so many successes, that too many Democrats were simply willing to sit back and relax. Even if they suspected that there was indeed a right wing conspiracy underway, and that it would attack each and every part of government and society, they did nothing.
Shame on them.
Here are just a few of the incredible successes the ultra-conservatives have had in the past 40 years.
a. think tanks.
b. local elections.
c. rehabbing Ronald Reagan
d. attacking the media
e. claiming ours was a conservative country
f. schooling, books, charters, and worse.
g. church – state separation
a. Think Tanks:
In retrospect, I cannot think of a better example than this one. It took planning, it took money, and it took time (perseverance, too). When the first think tanks were created, (ignoring the Carnegie created a century ago), they had one goal, keeping conservatism and capitalism alive and well.
The first of these groups, the Hoover Institution, Heritage Foundation, and the American Enterprise Institute filled a void that no one even knew existed. Under the guidance of Lewis Powell, (former USSC justice), they were soon attacking anything that smelled of redistribution, regulation, and that might conceivably help those in need. Together with the national Chamber of Commerce, they forged an alliance that has been destroying every liberal and moderate gain since Teddie Roosevelt and FDR. Want some examples? ACORN. ALEC. And that’s just the letter a.
But the Think Tanks also did something else. Soon, moderates and on the fence politicians found pamphlets on specific bills on their ride to the Capital. These think tank products started off rough and amateurish, but soon took on a gloss and more professional look. In many cases, these documents and briefings provided your normal congresscritter or senatwhore THE ONLY BRIEFING THEY EVER SAW ON THE ISSUE OR A PARTICULAR BILL! Given the short attention span that apparently thrives in Washington, the Think Tanks timed their pamphlet dropping on the day before and the day of a particular vote.
The impact was not immediate, but over time, the Think Tanks became the welcome source of information, if only because such information was totally lacking from other sources, even opposing party leadership. If there was anything that changed how Congress viewed new legislation, it was the Think Tank. All too often, all this hard work and preparation left the Think Tank version of reality the only one providing input into a legislative move.
b. local elections.
How the Democrats effed this up was and remains unforgivable.
Some decades ago, the GOP actually spent money starting up training centers. They taught folks how to answer questions (and ignore them) from the media, how to deal with adversity, and how to attack their liberal opponents without shame or remorse. They gathered thousands and thousands of young, bright, shiny faeces, had them run for local office, get their political feet wet, and even provided funding and attacks on their opponents. Thousands of offices were then filled, filled by ultraconservatives often masking their true selves and ideals.
By sweeping so many local offices, they accomplished several feats. They got experience, priceless experience, even if they lost at first. They took control of local agendas, driving home the ideas of socialism being bad, taxes being worse, and insisting that ours was a christian, conservative nation. Many of today’s GOP congresscritters came up the ranks in this way, trained, aggressive, and unwilling to compromise. If took years, but the planting, fertilizing and reaping of ultra-conservative pols was incredibly successful. Just look at the House today. They marched in lockstep with the White House during Bush, and continue to do so now.
And the Democrats slept. The bastards.
c. Rehabbing Ronald Reagan
When Saint Ronald left office, he left the country in deep trouble. It was ideologically split, some small parts of the GOP were ever more aggressive, and the Democrats seemed to be in disarray. On top of this, Ronald Reagan left office with his reputation in tatters. His approval rate sucked, people were glad to see him gone, and slowly, but surely people began repairing what he had broken.
And then something amazing happened. Ronald was crowned as the savior of the nation. Groups began demanding the naming of airports, federal buildings, and more after him. His name was bandied about as the savior of the nation, the Great Communicator, the man who personally tore down the Berlin Wall. And it was all false. If anything, Reagan was mediocre, at best, and his many failings inflicted endless pain, even death, unnecessarily (think AIDS).
I was shocked at how recent history was being rewritten, but there it was. They kept at it for so long, that the lie behind it was never discussed, and later, never exposed. Yet, because no one bothered to speak truth to those pushing this meme, the meme took on a life of its own. Saint Ronald is now a political fact, not fiction, although the latter is far more accurate.
d. attacking the media
Yet again, the Democrats fucked this up. Most of the Media was never “liberal” or “Conservative” or really connected with any political movement or party (except some specific liberal or conservative rags, like National Review or New Republic). The media surely had tendencies, conservative more often than not, but also more often than not, they tried to report news. The media of the 60s refused to report on Kennedy’s dalliances. The media of the 90s could not resist spewing about blow jobs.
The corrosive impact of the attack, “Liberal Media” continues to echo today. Given the utter monopoly over talk radio by Reich Wing Whack Jobs, it would be ironic, but sadly, there is no room for irony these days.
This constant attack had two direct and damaging results. It convinced the public that this lie was in fact, fact. (no one in the media had the balls to stand up to this devious attack). Next, and probably more harmful, they convinced the Media itself that saying anything that might be construed as liberal would be attacked, so predictably, the media took great pains and began to avoid doing so. This attack turned a generally non-partisan media into a conservative mouthpiece, simply to avoid the attack of being partisan. Sheer brilliance!
e. claiming ours was a conservative country
Another brilliant move. When you hear that constant drumbeat, that ours was a conservative country, based on christian values, (Newt, Kain, Perry, and Bachmann used this meme repeatedly during this election) you start to believe it. Especially when no one contradicts you about it.
When you poll Americans on specific issues, the only logical conclusion is that we are a mix of liberal, moderate and conservative ideas. In fact, the general population is far more liberal than any of the 2012 GOP presidential platforms, alarmingly so. Alarmingly, only because there were no rational alternatives offered by the candidates. There were no moderate ideas (loved by the general public) and certainly no liberal ideas (supported by the vast majority of people).
Democrats have a lot to answer for on this. But it takes time, patience, dedication, and education of a nation. So long as the DINOs were in office, it was virtually impossible to take the steps necessary to correct this lie. Perhaps now will be different.
f. schooling, books, charters, and worse.
Yes, Darwin lost the first trial. Scopes was found GUILTY, not innocent. And it took that state 40 years to repeal the offending statute. But the Conspiracy never stopped working. Their successes in Ohio, Texas, Florida, Oklahoma, and other states only took place because of years of preparation, years of hard work, and never admitting defeat. Evolution is a lie, stem cells are a mortal sin, birth control is the devil’s work, and abortions bring satan ever closer to taking this dog-fearing, dyslexic, nation over.
Today, our schoolbooks are a mess because of Texas. (They virtually control content for the rest of the country). America’s history is being destroyed as we speak.
Charter Schools? Privatized public options? These do nothing but destroy the public education system. Their quality is often worse than the schools they seek to replace. Worst of all, the cronyism and possibility of bribery and abuse makes this system a disaster that will haunt us for a generation. (think private prisons as an example. We used to fear the Military – Industrial complex. While it still poses a danger, the Jail-Industrial complex, and the Charter School-Industrial complex are just as dangerous.)
g. church – state separation
How many Democrats stood up to W’s attack on the separation of church and state? Who complained when Bush funneled billions to conservative christian groups, often cutting out effective, working, public systems? This was, is, and will be a disaster from which it will take a generation to recover.
If we fail to stand up to this, our nation will self-destruct. To counter this, join up here: Freedom From Religion Foundation. In fact, our Chicagoland chapter is finally set up, and it looks like I will be the local secretary. Proudly.
When your opponent scores a huge victory, all you can do is acknowledge it, congratulate them, and move on.
That is the case with TeaBuggery. Forget the moronic hats, forget the moranic signs, forget the misspelling, the old, fat, white, folks demanding that the Federal Government keep their hands of medicare. This was a huge victory for the Phil Grams, the KKKarl Roves, the Kochs, and other ultra-conservative bastards around this country.
This was a con job, the likes of which we have not seen in politics before. It was an artificial concoction, intended to confuse the public like a shiny lure in fish infested waters. And it worked. This small collection of hyper-conservative, anti-government, functionally illiterate, generally unread, misinformed, Fox News Viewers actually became a viable movement. Underwritten by billionaires, supported in secret, it gathered Republicans, only conservative ones, renamed them, and gave them temporary shelter and cover. Given the bashing that conservative Republicans were due (thanks in no small part to the Cheney Bush administration), the creation of TeaBuggery changed the focus, the story, and prevented the backlash against conservative GOPers.
Now, it is common knowledge that the TeaBuggered movement is little more than a relabeling of the worst of the PNAC Assholes, the failed NeoConMan movement, and generally little more than a a collection of wild-eyed, Todd Akin/Joe Walsh imbeciles whose favorite mantra is TAX CUTS! But it took 2 long, dank, dark, dangerous years to make it common knowledge.
Just this week, there were three separate reports that TeaBuggered candidates were being laughed at in person. After repeating one of their idiotic, non-thinking positions, during town hall meetings and one debate, the crowd jeered in one case, and in two others, openly laughed and booed the TeaBuggered candidate.
Joe Walsh is rapidly retreating from his Macaca moment, in which he displayed his stunningly large scientific and medical ignorance about female reproductive systems. (Tell me, please, why are these anti-government freaks so intent on forcing, even increasing federal government involvement into women’s vaginas?) Todd Akin went from a shoo-in, to a shoe in the mouth candidate in one easy step. The only ones who still support him are Hucksterbee and other religious assholes.
I predict that Tea Buggery is here for some time, but that their power will be substantially and permanently curtailed as of this November.
1590 – John White, the governor of the Roanoke Colony, returns from a supply trip to England and finds his settlement deserted.1868 – French astronomer Pierre Janssen discovers helium.
COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!
Great moments in GO Pee VeePee wordsmithing:
“Right now I just want to enjoy the fair.”
“But obviously, we’ve got to stand with our North Korean allies.”
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
“I think they’re (Iraq) in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency.”
Phil Kline – Liberty University Law professor.
Perhaps “pro” is too strong. CONfessor? That’s better.
Currently destroying the minds of innocents, with the same demented ideas that drove his legal career, Mr. Phil has been reduced from losing elections, to trying to defend his law license. Apparently, misleading and lying to state agencies, lying to judges, and refusing to correct the record. His current defense is to claim that the ethics committee created to disbar him is biased.
Phil, a ultraconservative nutcase, was the Attorney General for Kansas from 2002-2006, until even he proved too much for the people of that good state. He was the main reason that the entire state of Kansas still has the reputation of being stark raving insane. His 2007 lame duck appointment to county District Attorney was uniformly derided, and he lost that election by a huge margin.
Liberty U, the place which gave us Monica Goodling, is the perfect fit for Mr. Kline. Jerry Fawell’s law skule could always use more disbarred and disgusting professors.
Just as creeping conservative christian cults*, AynRandism and inane TeaBuggery began to exercise their power in that state, Phil began his attacks on Planned Parenthood. After years of legal abuse, Phil finally lost his office to a DEMOCRAT in 2006. In his short 4 years, he prosecuted in favor of a law which would have required any underage sex to be reported and prosecuted as sex abuse, he sued Dr. George Tiller, and quite probably caused his shooting death with his legal antics and shenanigans. Mr. Phil sued Planned Parenthood (that suit was finally dropped this week), he demanded higher sentences for homosexual rape over hetero rape, and he was forced to defend his efforts at getting churches to create committees to fund and support his reelection campaign in 2006.
In short, this is one very evil man, who uses religion as a weapon against the rest of us.
* Kansas currently has highest rate of megachurch bankruptcies and closures, one of the best indications that it is slowly awakening from its TeaBuggered nachtmare.
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Today’s sAINT – Tucson, Arid-zona
In 2010, Tucson boasted of having a $50 million budget shortfall. As a result, it cut water conservation programs, aid to the elderly, and school budgets. Yet, Tucson just voted to fund the rebuild and remodelling of the Catholic Marist College to the tune of $1,100,000. Religion, it seems, is more important than anything else.
Drought conditions in Tucson are so bad, that experts predict that exposed river areas, filled with dormant, but deadly, anthrax bugs, may cause an explosion in anthrax cases throughout Arid-zona and areas east of there.
So glad Tucson has their priorities straight.
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Atheists and agnostics UNITE!
This month’s FFRF newspaper reports that 20% of Americans now self-identify as nonbelievers. Here’s the breakdown of US and A by race, to judge what this means.
Blacks make up 12.7%
Hispanics (US and euro) 12.6%
According to FFRF, the self deluded match up like this:
With 20% of the population, it would seem that the general disregard, hatred, and scorn piled upon rationalists by people of faith should begin to backfire. But, I guess that won’t happen unless we also get our own TV stations, and promote rational thinking, in opposition to those TV bible beating bastards who pollute the minds as much as they pollute the airways.
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SCIENCE QUIZ TIME!
1. Which is the first element on the periodic table?
a) god’s will
d) It’s PERIODIC, so it changes, silly!
2. What charge does a neutron have?
c) it depends on its credit report
d) no charge, cash only.
3. Which is the third most common gas we breathe?
d) cow farts
4. Can humans breathe in outer space?
a) Only Sarah Palin knows for sure
b) yes. with equipment
d) only after the sun sets
5. A person who studies physics is called a:
c) damned liberal satanist
6. Conductors have a low or high resistance?
a) Trick question! There are no conductors after the last AMTRAK budget cuts.
b) low, that’s why they use amps on stage.
c) it depends on the size of their . . . baton.
d) high. Because they resist fast foods and greasy meals.
7. The formula for sulphuric acid is:
b) god’s tears of rage
c) two parts sulphur, a pinch of devil’s wort, two lumps of sugar, and three egg whites
8. Plasma is what?
a) the stuff hidden inside my TV screen.
b) the fourth state of matter, depending on temperature and pressure
c) the stuff doctors steal from your blood
d) a computer based special visual effect
In the beginning, god was created in the image of Man.
And the earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And 14.4 billion years ago, all matter was created, and from this explosion eventually came atoms and matter, which grew large and firm, and when sufficient amount of matter gathered together, the matter could not help itself, and began to fuse and from that fusion of matter escaped particle wave forms of various frequencies, and there was light!
And stars exploded, seeding the universe with heavier matter, fusing them into carbon, and oxygen, and thine heavy metals, and it was good. And new younger stars were formed from the detritus, as were the billions of planets. And many of these planets began not only to revolve around a star, but around their axis, and so divided the light from the dark. And so far, it was good.
And when the hemisphere of one small, insignificant mostly iron rock faced the sun it was called day, and when it rotated away, it was called night.
And the firmament continued to expand, while showing the signs of a distant, massive, unimaginable explosion, and displaying billions upon billions of galaxies, each containing billions and billions of stars, each of which was orbited by planets of various size, mass, material and gravity.
And on this third rock from the sun, given its rotating molten core of iron, volcanoes exploded, the land masses moved, grew and fell, and the waters separated from the land.
And the tiniest bits of proteins were formed and began to replicate. When they grew numerous and began to specialize, they brought forth plant and eventually animal life, and it was good.
And creatures developed gills to retrieve oxygen from water, flexible spines or exoskeletons, and grew fins or arms which allowed them to self propel, away from predators and in search of food and potential mates;
And other creatures grew large, light, and feathered limbs which allowed them achieve flight due to having proper weight ratios permitting aerodynamic lift and propulsive thrust.
And the axis of the earth was tilted, quite possibly due to an early collision with another planet or planetoid, and which likely led to the creation of earth’s orbiting partner, Luna.
And Luna’s creation created tidal forces, and the tilt of the axis created seasons, to which the fauna and flora grew and changed and adapted, and the miniscule changes in temperature and relative length of daylight, were called seasons; and permitted swimming in the summer and skiing in the winter, and it was really good.
And the creatures, the fauna and flora, were fruitful, as were the fruit trees, and they multiplied, and it was really, really good.
And there grew great beasts, and large flying creatures, and even larger fish, living and multiplying, until a straying meteor hit the earth, and caused planetary changes so vast and far reaching that entire species were killed off, leaving only traces of bones and skin, and it was really really really good, because it permitted a rather peculiar smaller critter, rather small, weak, pitiful, and smart, to develop, a furry, four limbed critter with opposable thumbs, and a large brain case, and she was called Lucy, and she was good.
And Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds left many relatives who evolved into differing branches, and grew further and further apart, and as they all evolved, they developed into different sizes, shapes, and types, and there was man. And that wasn’t all that bad either.
And man grew and was fruitful and multiplied, and man’s innate curiosity, combined with a lack of knowledge and a need to find explanations, created fairy tales, tales to explain the seasons, and the volcanoes, and the earthquakes, and the snows, and to explain why disease came, and what foodstuffs were not palatable in certain seasons, and that blood transfusions could save lives, but could also kill, and that man needed some rules to better be able to live and organize, and it was great.
Except while concocting these early tales, these early explanations and descriptions, Man made a huge error, and it was called God, and it was bad.
And this man-made god was quickly shown to be an idiot, for this all-knowing, all-seeing make believe critter was quickly turned into the source of all, including light, heat, cold, wind, life, and death, and all to often these teachings of god replaced innate, natural, and health curiosity and imagination, and forced stilted irrational thought to replace all that was good about humanity, and it was bad, awfully bad.
And this god was so error prone and stupid that when he “created” man, he forgot that he created a sexually active, curious, and creative creature. And when he learned of this first mistake, he realized that he lost his initial blueprints for Man, and he had to steal sufficient bone marrow to clone and engineer a female version of Man, and that was good. And thank god for all the future cleaving that this caused to be, including but not limited to members of opposite sexes, and including those who prefer their own sex. And the cleaving is good.
But then this god, knowing just what kind of curious creature he concocted, gave them a chance at learning be eating an otherwise wholesome and vitamin rich fruit called apple, HE blamed Man for eating it! And so he punished man using a dirty, filthy, rotten trick which he himself created, and it was truly bad.
Then god made a funny. Even though this Adam guy and this Eve person cleaved and cleaved and cleaved again, and from this cleaving they had many sons. And here’s the really funny – their cleaving created no daughters, and yet, Cain managed to find a wife, and this was weird. Although the part about living 800+ years wasn’t all that bad.
Then, after ignoring Man, and ignoring how much damage religion had causes, thru the worst efforts, lies, deceit and manipulation of priests and ministers, and rabbis and imams, and those who would rather preach about god, rather than learn and teach the sciences, this god finally decided to flood the planet and kill off most humans, mainly for committing the crime of being, well, human. And this was ridiculous. As was the idea that a rising sea, even one 15 cubits higher, could cover huge mountainous areas like the Alps, the Himalayas or the Andes. And this was ineffably stupid.
Almost as stupid that one man-made boat could carry every living creature, plus enough forage, food, water, etc for the creatures to survive for 40 days.